Willy Wonka-Kraft Has Landed

Minutes of Board meeting, Cadbury Kraft Jan 21st 2010

Meeting was opened by chairman who thanked everybody for coming and looked forward to a successful working relationship with all at Kraft Cadbury then handed over to Business Development VP.

BDVP wants to cut straight to the chase. What new products can be brought out which embody the new dynamic partnership between these two companies?

Looked expectantly round the room, no hands were raised.

Went on to outline ideas for revamp of existing products.

1. Cadbury Creme Egg. Curent filling of fondant creme too sickly, v. high sugar and fats.
Suggests Cadbury Cream Cheese egg, filled with Philadelphia Lite.

Cavendish Cadbury suggested that perhaps cream cheese wasn’t the right sort of filling for what is essentially a sweet product.

BDVP responded that it was these entrenched, unadventurous attitudes that had been stifling Cadbury’s for so long and now was an opportunity to rewrite the rules of the confectionary game. Thinking outside the box was the way forward. Anyway who said chocolate and cheese don’t mix, had they never heard of chocolate cheesecake?

2 Cadbury’s Dairy Milk range. The basic chocolate bar and its derivatives, Fruit and Nut, Whole Nut, etc.
Concerned about lost sales due to nut allergies, so suggest have a Hard Rock version, with biscuit pieces or perhaps breadstick pieces, a much healthier option, and Soft Rock, which has small nuggets of cheese.

Several members of the board shook their heads in a bemused fashion.

Genevieve Cadbury said she thought she detected a bit of a cheese trait in the new ideas the BDVP had come up with.

BDVP replied that Cadbury were the experts in chocolate but Kraft were the experts in other food areas, most notably cheese, and it would be wrong or even negligent of him to ignore the opportunities presented by this new combination of resources and talents.

Genevieve Cadbury rolled her eyes heavenward.

BDVP 3. Cadbury’s fudge. A finger of fudge is just enough to give your kids a treat, rot their teeth and send them on the slippery slope to obesity! However with the new improved Cadbury cheese string, a delicious strip of highly processed cheese with a delectable Cadbury chocolate coating the kids get the chance to have a satisfying nutritious snack that gives them both the instant sugar rush and the longer lasting protein release. Perfect.

Sir Sherlock Cadbury rose to his feet. He was appopletic with rage. Sir if you think we are going to tarnish the good family name of Cadbury by endorsing these cheese related products then, and I am sure I speak for all the former members of the Cadbury board here, he paused and looked around st the former members of the Cadbury board all nodding ascent, you have another think coming.

BDVP I think the other think might be we close down this Bourneville factory and move production to Easterm europe, whatddaya say?

Fruit & Nut Dairylea
Bullshit Sherlock


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9 Responses to “Willy Wonka-Kraft Has Landed”

  1. The_Walrus Says:

    Kraft don’t make cheese, just plastic.

    • ianrthorpe Says:

      Did you hear about the Dutch team who have grown pork from stem cells in a petri dish?

      Sounds like a future product for Kraft – Cadbury. Synthetic pork flavoured with synthetic chocolate.

  2. ianrthorpe Says:

    Fruit and nut flavoured Cracker Barrel anyone?

    Testing these new cheese related chocolate flavoured snacks sounds like a job for our mouse – science investigation team.

    They are due to file another mouse related science project story tomorrow so I’ll grab them while they are in the office

    • ianrthorpe Says:

      BTW I managed to fall for Charity in Emmerdale again when she went to work in the Chocolate Factory. The little white health and safety cap accented her cheekbones wonderfully.

      She got herself sacked though. Goodbye chekbones :))

    • fatsally Says:

      They do, of course, already make fruit and nut cheeses, Wensleydale with cranberries or apricots and I’ve definitely seen walnuts on or in cheese, so really it’s just a simple step forward to offer said cheese in processed form with a rich chocolate coating:)

  3. robswan Says:

    Isn’t it amazing how the yellow stuff in a Crunchie looks like cheddar? For God’s sake don’t tell them that.

    • ianrthorpe Says:

      Hmm, I haven’t eaten a Crunchie for years – must have been that horrible processed cheese aftertaste that put me off.

    • fatsally Says:

      I’m not sure which question to pose first!

      The yellow stuff looks like cheddar?

      1 How old are the Crunchies you’ve been eating?

      2 How old is the cheddar you eat?

      And on the same topic, if you’ll pardon the pun, nuts caramel and cheesy nougat y’know, just had the kitchen ripped out and there on the floor behind where one of the units would have been was half of a Kilogram bar of Galaxy looking quite sorry for itself. We checked the sell-by date:-

      January 2001

      eeeugh, got it in the bin quick before BBC saw it:)

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