Labour’s Friends I’t Norff

Quote of the week comes from Labour leadership contender Andy Burnham. “I’m not a Westminster politician,” declared the former Health Secretary proudly. “Never have been.”

So, finally shocked into action by Jeremy Corbyn’s seemingly unassailable lead, Burnham has finally decided to play the race card in the hope of engaging Labour’s traditional working class voters in the industrial heartlands.

“Ayup lads an ‘ lasses, Ah’m fra Leigth, tha knozz, ah’ll ‘ave no truck wi’t Westminster bubble” or that southern jessie natter abaht fairness an’ yooman rights. Bugger yooman rights, what we’st offer t’voters is a fifty hour working week, three days paid holider a year and t’right to die wi’out obtainin’ written permission fra’ that boss. Traditional workin’ class values.

Folk in Leigth, Wigan and Keawyedland all know Red Andy but sum southerners are askin’ ‘oo is this Burnham bloke what’s challengin’ posh boy Corbyn’s divine right to rule? Well Ah’ll tell thee.

Me name’s Andy Burnham, I’m fra’t North West where we speaks our mind ‘baht fear nor favour. Folk might tell thee Ah’m not skilled in rhetoric. Well bugger rhetoric, ah say what ah like an’ ah like what ah say. I’t north of England we don’t give a bugger if we upset some southern wuss. I like football, pitch and toss, whippet racing, meat pie and peas, black pudding, brass band music an’ clogs. Ah’d fain eat a pot o’cold sick afore ah’d touch a slice o’ quiche.

Born t’secret love child of Cilla Black and t’litle ‘un fra t’Chuckle brothers ah wur browt up by foster parents in a cobbled street, we ‘ad no ‘ouse but an outside toilet and we weshed uzselves in a tin bath i’t yard.

My interest in politics an’ social justice began on a school trip to Chester Zoo, t’farthest south ah’ve ever been. A wur eating a bag o’ chips when a toff in a top ‘at knocked them out me ‘ands wi’ iz walking cane.

“Oy, what’st think tha’s doin’, them chips wur me dinner,” ah sez.

“Now listen here my lad, I’m richer than you so I can do what I like,” ee sez.

And a bethowt me sen, that can’t be reet, ah bahn t’tek up politics, become leader o’t Labour party and figh fer a better deal fer uz ord’nary folk.

Asked about allegations that he was educated at Oxford, Andy relpied, “Aye reet, it wur Oxford Road Comprehensive in Bowton do’st see, a lot o’ folk think it wur Oxford University but ah’m no class traitor, an’ ah’m not one o’ them buggers as’ll say owt t further me career neither, not like you Blair, ‘ee wur a pubic school bastard tha knozz.

That Corbyn bloke can sling his hook,
the northern folk don’t give a fook.

Another insight into northern life from the Monty Python team


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