Posts Tagged ‘animal’

Useless Creatures or Endangered Species

August 25, 2015

Milo Yiannopoulos wrote in Breitbart London today:

Animals That Aren’t Delicious or Useful Deserve to Be Extinct

Pandas are portrayed as ‘cute’, actually they are ugly, stupid, smelly creatures that because their diet is totally unsuited to their metabolism, shit shitloads of smelly, slimy, green poo (Image source)

Have you ever considered that there might be a good reason some animals are nearing extinction? And that it would be better if they just died off?

Let’s get one thing straight: animals are here for our culinary enjoyment, our utility, and occasionally our comedic pleasure. Basically the rule is: if you can’t eat it or ride it, it is pointless. I’m always telling friends to “go green.” What they don’t realise I mean is: eat a turtle.

I was moved to draw up a list of animals that deserve to be extinct by Jim Treacher of another parish, who has waged an admirable, multi-year crusade against the unspeakable grotesque that is the panda.

Such headlines as “Pandas Do Not Have Personalities,” “Panda Fakes Pregnancy, Because Pandas Are Evil Liars,” “Scientists Prove It: Pandas Are Morons,” “Pandas Are Violent Monsters And Must Be Destroyed,” and of course his magnum opus “All Pandas Must Die” have served as an inspiration to us all.

You see, it’s not necessary to like animals just because they’re “cute,” and indeed the fawning baby-talk and excessive sentimentality showered on these dumb beasts by bleeding-heart liberals in fact only makes right-thinking people like Mr. Treacher and I deeply suspicious.

READ MORE including a list of endangered species that serve no other purpose than to act as shit factories, thus polluting our evironment.

I felt moved to reply:

I’m right with you on this Milo. What was God on the day he created Giraffes and can we have some please? Only one point in your comprehensive lost of useless creatures I’d take issue with, if we let lions become extinct, when Roman Empire rules are restored as the pendulum swings to the right, what kind of creatures will we be able to throw environmentalists to?

Stupid Criminal Of The Week

March 29, 2014

We haven’t had a Stupid Criminal Of The Week for a long time, all these stories about war, international crises, regime change, aircraft going missing and such have kept us too busy.

Now however we have a change to bring you the tail of Marquis Jackson, 27, a bumbling burglar who got himself sprayed by a skunk while stealing items from a garden. Police responded to a 911 call from a man who reported two men stealing items from a neighbor’s backyard but when the patrol car arrived the burglars had apparently fled. Jackson’s accomplice had been seen jumping over fences and running through gardens and was quickly apprehended.

Initially it appeared Jackson had made a clean getaway, but the officers noticed a pungent stink coming from a garden shed which had been broken into. In choosing a hiding place Jackson had disturbed a skunk just awakened from hibernation under the garden shed and the animal was pissed off at having its space invaded. Skunks use their spray as a defense mechanism to ward off predators.

It is rare to encounter skunks in domestic gardens, they are shy creatures and avoid humanity. Though they shun gardens, skunks are rather conservative creatures too and thus are very big on lawn order which is probably why this one grassed up the thief.

skunk conservative

Dog Wasn’t Pulling Owners Leg

November 12, 2013

November 11, 2013

Owning a dog, what with all the vets bills and such can cost an arm and a leg but 93 year old Bill Flowers was not so unfortunate, In fact Bill gained a leg thanks to his pooch Liberty.

Dogs like to bring things home to share with their owners and Liberty brought Bill a human leg. Bill was not too happy as he was afraid the gift might attract the long arm of the law.

Fearing that he might be prosecuted for legging it from a crime scene, or worse that the cops might not believe Liberty’s story (“Well I was just going about me business see, pissing on trees, chasing cats, sniffing things, and it just sort of fell into me pocket”) and accuse the dog’s owner of being a barking mad homicidal maniac, Flowers buried the leg. He told his daughter Cheryl about the dog’s strange find and after four days she managed to convince him he should tell the police because whoever had lost the leg might be hopping mad about the loss but might also be having difficulty getting out to look for their property.

Bill told police that his dog Liberty had brought home a grayish leg and stood over it wagging her tail. Flowers said the leg didn’t appear damaged, and it was severed inches from the buttocks (Liberty is a big dog – see below). Authorities located other body parts on Sunday.

Police placed a GPC device on Liberty in hopes that she would take them to the rest of the remains. Search dogs eventually located a pelvis and ribcage. Authorities have not yet identified the victim or disclosed a cause of death (although we will go out on a limb and say we suspect not many people would survive being chopped up in pieces so cause of death might be dismemberment related.)

Read more about this grisly find at the Komo News website.

leg hound
Liberty,

Snack Science Leads To Discovery About Crocodiles

January 25, 2010

We have reported extensively the experiments in mouse science from which behavioural scientists have learned so much about human intelligence from studying how mice learn to earn snacks by pushing buttons with their noses. So far however we have confined our study to mice and thus have described this area of research as mouse science.

We must now acknowledge our failure to look beyond the work of the mouse watchers has led us into failing in our duty to report fully on the fascinating things scientists do with animals. (Far more fascinating we are told that the things adolescent boys in rural areas do with sheep.)

As a first step towards rectifying this we must rename our mouse science reporting team the Boggart Blog snack science reporting team and widen the scope of their remit to include all the valuable snack related work being done with diverse species. Our first report from the snack science team concerns a project of vital importance to humankind. A group of naturalists at Blue Planet Aquarium in Ellesmere Port, Wirral have taken the first stemps towards teaching crocodiles to speak.

The saurian genus is one of the most primitive groups of large animals on earth. It is generally accepted that they have not evolved for over 100 million years which is before the Himalayas were raised by tectonic plate activity. Unsurprisingly then Crocodiles and Alligators have never been seen as anything but stupid reptiles whose tiny brains could handle basic survival tasks but little else. It has come as a complete surprise then that Crocodiles are snack and neck with Chimps, Apes, Dolphins, Bears, Dogs, Elephants and other large brained mammals in showing an ability to do things that impress humans.

The key to this breakthrough in discovering hidden depths to Saurian intelligence is snacks.

We should say here Crocodiles have not yet learned to make human sounds in fact they have only made similar hissy sounds to other large reptiles or drag queens on being told their bead shadow is showing. But the Crocodiles of Blue Planet Aquarium have learned to recognise sounds.

A number of young Crocs have been given names and if they respond correctly when their name is called they earn a snack. A sausage we assume. We all learn as children the favourite food of Crocodiles is sausages. It would be curmudgeonly of us to suggest that the Crocodiles have simply learned to associate certain sounds with snacks. This is a long way from the mastering of quantum theory or learning to appreciate the creative techniques of J M W Turner or Ludwig van Beethoven but at least it keeps scientists off the streets.

Clearly snack science has a lot to offer humankind.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog