Posts Tagged ‘blog’

Eggbound In Finchley

January 31, 2010

Some have marvelled at the eggstreme diet that fuelled Margaret Thatcher’s jet propelled march to power in 1979. For myself, thinking about eating all those eggs makes me feel eggceptionaly nauseous. This sensation can best be described as a more intense version of the way I feel whenever I think about Margaret Thatcher. Still I am proved correct about one thing having always imagined the Iron Lady would be surrounded by a sulphurous miasma. It’s clear now this was not the satanic smell of brimstone but the farty smell of someone who lives on eggs.

Strange how those driven to eggcel in their chosen field, while they like to present a public persona of cold logic and superior intellect are all to often proved ready to eggshibit eggcentricities and embrace superstitions and crackpot beliefs it they think it will help them succeed.

We can at least understand one thing about Maggie though. Her bizarre diet eggsplains why she always sounded constipated when speaking.

A million brownie points each for egg jokes and puns in the comment thread

Homeopathy: A Massive Overdose Protest

January 30, 2010

It is strange the Boggart Blog team finds that mere mention of the word “homeopathy” will send the science-is-god fellowship into a spluttering, incoherent, apoplectic rage. At risk of bringing the wrath of the evangelical scientists upon us then:

HOMEOPATHY, HOMEOPATHY, HOMEOPATHY.

The reasons for that apparently redundant repetition will become apparent.

My own view is that I have never tried homeopathic remedies and do not intend to. What pisses me off about the homeophobics is that one cannot simply say “I know bugger all about it, if people think it works for them well, it’s their life.” A homeophobic cannot leave it at that, they will not let you be neutrally uninterested, oh no. They have to try to bully you into agreeing with them.
“But the stuff is diluted so much blah blah,” they scream. Yeah, am I bovvered, I don’t use it.

“But its unscientific, there’s no scientific evidence…” Yeah, so what. The flight of bees is unscientific but I’m not going to stop eating honey.

Many people believe homeopathic remedies have cured long standing complaints in the way I believe a couple of glasses of red wine several times a week protects me against swine flu, cancer, Alzheimer’s disease and The Dreaded Lurgi in a way that no vaccine or drug ever could. The science-is-god faction cannot just accept these are opinions, they are determined to not allow anybody to think anything that is not scientific. They have to start ranting about how there is no scientific evidence to support claims that homeopathy works (which apparently proves it does not work) and that an excess of alcohol can result in many serious health problems later in life.

Their favourite tactic when faced with demonstrations that somebody has suddenly showed a gobsmacking lack of symptoms shortly after taking a homeopathic remedy is to put it down to pure coincidence.

Like all fringe religious cults the science is religion cult attracts a lot of nutters who would probably make great homeopaths if they could overcome their prejudices.

There are probably many such nutters in the Merseyside Sceptics Society (which should be named the Merseyside Selective Sceptics Society, you can bet they are not in the least sceptical about climate change science or the large hadron collider) who today will be indulging their OCD – like need to go on about how unscientific homeopathy is by getting together outside Boots Chemist in Liverpool and staging a mass overdose protest against the chain store selling homeopathic remedies. Protesters claim they will eat who bottles of homeopathic pills to show the medications are not effective. Similar protests are taking place around the world.

A spokesman for the Selective Sceptics said Boots should stop selling these “medicines” because it is promoting “unscientific thinking.” A Boots spokeman said the company does not force anyone to buy homeopathic medicince, they are simply responding to customer demand.

Do you spot the failure of logic on the part of the selective sceptics here. There are many conventional treatments a small does of which will cure but which can be eaten in much larger quantities without harm resulting. So isn’t the protest as unscientific as the protesters say homeopathy is? Oh well religious cults, even the science-is-god cult have never been big on that common sense kind of logic.

What would really be a wonderful coincidence however is if one or two of the protesters collapse and die of strokes or heart attacks after eating their massive protest overdose of pills.

Now you know why “homeopathy” is so massively overused in this blog post.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

Apple iPad Will Not Rewrite The Book

January 29, 2010

Amid much hype Steve Jobs the world’s top celebrity CEO launched the latest gadget from Apple. Apple addicts were thrilled to the core but will the new gadget for reading e-books ever replace Johannes Gutenberg’s big idea?

It almost moved me to poetry: Here, in the style of E.J. Thribb is my initial reaction.

And so, Jobs
in an era of no jobs
you have given us the iPod,
a computer without keyboard
or knobs.

Hmm, quite promising that. I might try to finish it sometime.

The iPad is a rather late entry into the e-reader market which is already looking overcrowded. With offerings from Amazon, Sony, BeBook, iRiver, Bookeen, Elonex and a few others (e book readers, reviews) already competing for market share it’s possible there are more e – book readers than there are e books to read on them.

The iPad will sell of course, Apple are the Michael Jackson of technology manufacturers, they make mediocre products that engender a kind of fiercely defensive attitude usually only found among followers of crackpot religious cults. Telling an Apple geek they could have bought a piece of kit that would do much more so much better for half the price is like telling a Scientologist L Ron. Hubbard was a con man.

No matter how many versions of the iPad Apple decide to release, the faithful will buy them all just as Michael Jackson fans used to buy the same album over and over again because it kept being re-released in a different cover.

Beyond the precincts of the Apple cult’s compound however, among those not in thrall to the Pontifex Maximus Jobs, high priest of the God “i” how well received will the iPad be? Will it be the gadget that finally kills Gutenberg’s technology? To be honest we doubt it, the iPad will find a niche within the niche of the gadget addict market occupied by e book readers but would a serious reader want to read a volume of fiction or non fiction or a collection of favourite poems on a device the name of which makes them think of female personal hygiene requisites.

More humour and satire every day from Boggart Blog

Afghan War: Brown Pledges To Support Taliban

January 28, 2010

Just when you thought politicians could not possibly get more stupid one of the breed goes and does something so moronic that you are left gobsmacked again.

We refer of course to the announcement by Gordon Brown of a new fund that will be used by British military personnel to pay off Taliban fighters who give up their weapons and renounce violence.

Given the track record of Afghans for fighting anybody and everybody all the time, often changing sides in a war because someone has offered them more money, we are again astounded that Gordon Brown and his advisers at the Foreign Office and the Ministry of Defence once again refuse to see what is staring them in the fucking face.

The Taliban fighters will stampede to give up their WW2 rifles or AK47s stolen during the Russian occupation.

“I renounce violence, here’s my gun now give me the money.” they will say. Then, trousering the cash they will vamos mucho quicko to the local illegal arms dealer to buy a better gun stolen only recently from the Americans.

What a way to fight a war.

In Appreciation Of Older Mothers

January 27, 2010

A doumentary on lateish last night looked at the trend for women way past the menopause to have babies by means of IVF.

I can’t say I have ever been wildly enthusiastic about this being a great believer in letting nature take its course. Having watched the show however I can see there is a lot to be said in favour of motherhood for women having babies in their late fifties or even sixties.

The programme showed an affluent businesswoman aged sixty-one breast feeding. When the office phone rang she was able to put her baby on the floor, pick up the phone and a notepad and deal with the call without interrupting the child’s feed.

There’s a positive side to everything.

Rubber Baby Syndrome

The Truth About The Economy, Crime, Education And Everything Else.

January 26, 2010

Increasingly desperate as all their efforts to stem the advance of the BNP in barking, Barnsley and Burnley seem to amount to nothing, the Labour government has resorted to its favourite tactic: telling lies.

This month alone they have told lies about Swine Flu (apparently hundreds of people who lived near you have died of it) ; the have claimed unemployment has started to fall when in fact the only reason the figure was lower is that they stopped counting people whose benefit has been suspended because they have not tried hard enough to find jobs; today they announced the economy is out of recession and growing once more though the 0.1% growth in the final quarter of the year was achieved as a result of the government’s manufacturing monopoly money to a sum equal to about 10% of the gross domestic product and giving it to banks, public service contractors and foreign car manufacturers.

The most outrageous lie however has been the claim that “reported” crime has fallen. Nobody now reports crime as they fear they will be arrested and charged with not being polite enough to the burglars who have broken into their house and are stealing all their stuff. Added to that, Labour’s Politically Correct Thought Police, knowing that most crime is committed by males aged 12 – 24 stopped counting crimes committed by the under 16 because the poor little darlings don’t understand mugging and housebreaking, twocking and setting fire to property is wrong.

What is really off – pissing about the Labour government, and let’s not delude ourselves the Conservatives will be any different when they are in power, is they persist in the irrational belief that if they chant statistics over and over again the only people who will not believe them are the most misanthropic and congenitally evil supporters of the rabid right. People who do not believe official statistics are insane, Gordon Brown more or less said a few months ago.

Insulting the punters by calling them stupid is bad enough, saying they are insane is suicidal. It is not the people who refuse to believe statistics that are bonkers but those dwindling few Guardian writers who believe the statistics put out to make the case that Labour politicians are really nice people who are doing a good job in very difficult circumstances.

If you are one of those people who clings to a lingering feeling that Labour can’t be all bad because they care about minorities, orphans (so long as they are not British orphans) and foxes, her is an example of how statistics are made to tell lies.

A recent report complied by a left wing think tank to address the appalling take up of GCSE A level courses in Languages complained that criticism of the state education policy on Language courses is unfair. Yes it is correct to say A level pupils in private schools got a lot more good pass grades in languages than state school pupils. “Look at the statistics,” they whined, “80%of pupils in private schools take at least on A level in a foreign language, only 40% of state school pupils are entered for the exams. No wonder the private education system gets better results.

Let’s re – examine that in a computer professional’s logic rather than New Labour logic. The number of pupils in private education in 7%. The number of pupils in state education is 93%. So 80% of 7% is … I could never be arsed with maths, let’s say about 5.5% and 40% of 93% is roughly 37%. This means five and a half percent of pupils got more A level grade A and Bs than 37%. And that is a case for banning private education?

The idea of the old Grammar Schools, the selective education so hated by the “Progressive Left” was that bright children from poorer homes who have as good a chance of getting on as those whose parents could afford private education. As usual it is a case of the left in trying to be fair to everyone ending up being unfair to everyone but trying to conceal the facts with bogus statistics. And the Conservatives were just the same last time they were in power and will be again. The audacity of their claims that the voters are too stupid to understand official data is one of the reasons people have lost faith in politics, the professions and everything.

The reason the Conservatives are losing votes universally to UKIP and Labour is losing votes to the BNP in Barking, Barnsley and Burnley ( not to mention Bradford and Birmingham), to the Lib Dems in Lichfield, Luton and Littlehampton, to the Greens in Gateshead, Garstang and Gillingham and for all we know to The Hurricane Party in Hertford Hereford and Hampshire is not because the voters there are drawn to alliteration (in fact few of the 97% educated in state schools are likely to know what alliteration is) but because they think the punters are so simple minded they will believe any old bollocks if it is backed by a few official statistics.

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Poverty: Labour Succeeds Where Thatcher Failed
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Keep up with comment on politics and the economy on our main site

More new humour every day at Boggart Blog

Snack Science Leads To Discovery About Crocodiles

January 25, 2010

We have reported extensively the experiments in mouse science from which behavioural scientists have learned so much about human intelligence from studying how mice learn to earn snacks by pushing buttons with their noses. So far however we have confined our study to mice and thus have described this area of research as mouse science.

We must now acknowledge our failure to look beyond the work of the mouse watchers has led us into failing in our duty to report fully on the fascinating things scientists do with animals. (Far more fascinating we are told that the things adolescent boys in rural areas do with sheep.)

As a first step towards rectifying this we must rename our mouse science reporting team the Boggart Blog snack science reporting team and widen the scope of their remit to include all the valuable snack related work being done with diverse species. Our first report from the snack science team concerns a project of vital importance to humankind. A group of naturalists at Blue Planet Aquarium in Ellesmere Port, Wirral have taken the first stemps towards teaching crocodiles to speak.

The saurian genus is one of the most primitive groups of large animals on earth. It is generally accepted that they have not evolved for over 100 million years which is before the Himalayas were raised by tectonic plate activity. Unsurprisingly then Crocodiles and Alligators have never been seen as anything but stupid reptiles whose tiny brains could handle basic survival tasks but little else. It has come as a complete surprise then that Crocodiles are snack and neck with Chimps, Apes, Dolphins, Bears, Dogs, Elephants and other large brained mammals in showing an ability to do things that impress humans.

The key to this breakthrough in discovering hidden depths to Saurian intelligence is snacks.

We should say here Crocodiles have not yet learned to make human sounds in fact they have only made similar hissy sounds to other large reptiles or drag queens on being told their bead shadow is showing. But the Crocodiles of Blue Planet Aquarium have learned to recognise sounds.

A number of young Crocs have been given names and if they respond correctly when their name is called they earn a snack. A sausage we assume. We all learn as children the favourite food of Crocodiles is sausages. It would be curmudgeonly of us to suggest that the Crocodiles have simply learned to associate certain sounds with snacks. This is a long way from the mastering of quantum theory or learning to appreciate the creative techniques of J M W Turner or Ludwig van Beethoven but at least it keeps scientists off the streets.

Clearly snack science has a lot to offer humankind.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

Labour Offers Reel Change

January 24, 2010

Labour Offers Reel Change

David ?Thunderbirds puppet? Milliband was the star guest on Andrew Marr?s political magazine on television this morning. Milliband, The Foreign Secretary (allegedly) in Gordon Brown?s dying government was trying to fend off question from Voice Of The Mysterons Marr about the persistent rumours that a strong undercurrent of opinion in the Labour party would like to see Gordon Brown replaced as leader before the election.

When the subject of the recent plot led by Blairite loyalists Jaqui Smith and Geoff Hoon was raised Milliband denied there had been such a plot and the Labour Party does not go in for plotting, which only proves he doesn?t read the papers. He then said Labour?s job was to govern competently (stop sniggering at the back) until the election and then win a fourth term in office by offering the voters reel change.

Can we assume this means Labour plan to govern by showing us 1930s feature ? length movies and perhaps hiring Jools Holland to play Honky Tonk piano while the reel changing is going on.

Or does he mean changes that will make us reel?

As the nation is already reeling from 12 years of Labour?s style of governing by trying to micromanage the minutiae of individual lives perhaps we should all keep working for a hung parliament.

We like to say “More humour every day at Boggart Blog” but all the news has been so gloomy it is getting hard to live up to that… 😦

RELATED POSTS:
Change They Can’t Belive In

There’s Irony For You – Welsh Wonder Batters Thought Police

January 23, 2010

This week we have had one lot of scientists telling us to banish butter from our lives while another bunch are telling us processed fats are food from the dark side.

Isn’t it wonderful that in the week when the food and drink branch of the Politically Correct Thought Police have gone into orbit about our reluctance to give up tasty food and live on a fat free, taste free diet for the sake of our health, britain’s oldest working woman has dies aged 102.

And what Mrs. Connie Brown work as?

For 80 years she had worked in the chip shop she opened with her late hubby back in nthe days when cod and chips cost three ha’pence and Elephants were sevenpence for twenty. People who knew her said Connie, aka The Codmother (cue haunting melody played on mandolins) always enjoyed aportion of battered cod with chips from her shop’s industrial capacity deep fat fryers. She was admitted to hospital for the first time in her life only hours before she died.

So much for fatty food sending us to an early grave (story: Daily Telegraph.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

Mouse Scientists Reinvent The Wheel (Again)

January 22, 2010

Having established a reputation as the world’s foremost journal of mouse science for reporting the ingenious ways scientists find of wasting taxpayers money by doing mouse related experiments in the hope of gaining insight into human behaviour we are now expanding into the area of snack science.

In the highly specialised field of mouse science many of the experiments conducted using mice involve training the mice to earn snacks by learning to press buttons with their nose but we have now become aware this mouse snack science is a different technique with a different goal to that of, to use recent examples, feeding mice lots of fry ups in an attempt to find a way of guaranteeing Daily Mail readers offspring are all child prodigies or of giving mice mobile phones in an experiment aimed at developing a technique for slowing the progress of Alzheimer’s disease. The conclusions of these experiments are that pregnant Daily Mail readers should exist on a diet of full English breakfasts from the local Greasy Spoon and that people genetically predisposed to develop dementia should spend more time on their cellphones taking to mice.

We have also covered a story about scientists who claim to have grown human sperm in mouse testicles. While the experiment might go some way towards countering the efforts of agri-business to stop human sperm growing in human bollocks we are not sure the breakthrough would have any practical value. Given the obsession of human males with size it is hard (oops, pardon) to imagine there would be many men up for having a pair of mouse bollocks in their undercrackers instead of the more usual walnut sized tackle that populates their scrotum.

The latest breakthrough for mouse science has been achieved by fusing mouse science techniques with snack science, the best know example of which is Pavlov’s Dogs. Like the mouse fry – ups experiment it promises to be of great benefit to the kind of gullible, upwardly mobile cretins who imagine they are posh because they eat mung beans.

Take up running and you will become more intelligent and do better in your chosen career, increasing your social status and earnings potential. Using a combination of mouse science and snack science researchers have shown that running round a little wheel in pursuit of a snack they can never reach makes mice more intelligent. Their little brains actually grow more tissue.

Having run the mice round little wheels for a considerable time the researchers then subjected the rodents to a classic test on mouse intelligence, that of giving them the chance to earn a snack by pushing a button with their nose. Running mice were quickly identified as better at earning snacks than couch potato mice. When our special mouse science correspondent Thom Catt put spoke to project leader Dr. Di Luzien that maybe the couch potato mice simply could not be arsed with snacks having not burned off loads of calories running round a wheel Dr. Di Luzien replied, “You’re clearly not a scientists and you don’t understand science.”

Thom was a bit miffed at this as his family understand mice better than anybody have been studying them for several hundred millennia.

The most striking part of the experiment is that while claimed to be as the cutting edge of mouse science, snack science and neuroscience it appears to confirm the work carried out by Hatha Yoga exerts five thousand years ago which proved that increasing the oxygen intake (by controlled breathing in the case of Yoga, but fair play to them, the wheel had not been invented) improves brain function and increases intelligence.

When it was put to Dr. Di Luzien that her team had at great expense simply reinvented the wheel by discovering something that was known already she replied that if it helped people become more intelligent it was worth every penny and that when people saw her intelligent mice they would understand the importance of science done scientifically by scientists and not listen to people like Boggart Blog who just try to get cheap laughs by ridiculing important research work.

To which our reporter Thom Catt, having eaten all the evidence of intelligent mice replied smugly:

“If you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you but when the seagulls follow the trawler is it because they think little fishes will be thrown in the sea. Have you produced any mouse philosophers yet?”

Start Running And Watch Your Brain Grow