Posts Tagged ‘child’

Covering Up The Cover UP

November 11, 2014

So the cover up inquiry into the lost dossier on paedophiles in parliament allegedly handed to former Home Secretary Leon Brittan by the late Geoffrey Dickens MP and subsequently lost by Home Office staff (Brittan’s name figured in the list of kiddie fiddlers named by the dossier allegedly) has concluded that there is no proof the file was deliberately destroyed and therefore we must accept there was no cover up, neither this nor any previous or future government is, was or ever will be involved in wrongdoing of any kind and bloggers who keep asking awkward questions can fuck the fucking fuck off.

These conclusions have naturally aroused some sceptical responses,and not only from the blogosphere. Even some sections of the normally servile mainstream media are gobsmacked at the blatancy of the cover up.

But the story has raised one laugh for me. In the comment thread on the report carried by Breitbart London, which contained this composite picture of Dickens and Brittan …

Geoffrey Dickens Leon Brittan
Geoffrey Dickens (left) and Leon Brittan (image source)

… somebody tagged as Englebert has commented:

“Is Leon Brittans face real? It looks like he’s wearing a mask made from bits of dead people.”

Read full story and comment thread at Breitbart, London

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In Appreciation Of Older Mothers

January 27, 2010

A doumentary on lateish last night looked at the trend for women way past the menopause to have babies by means of IVF.

I can’t say I have ever been wildly enthusiastic about this being a great believer in letting nature take its course. Having watched the show however I can see there is a lot to be said in favour of motherhood for women having babies in their late fifties or even sixties.

The programme showed an affluent businesswoman aged sixty-one breast feeding. When the office phone rang she was able to put her baby on the floor, pick up the phone and a notepad and deal with the call without interrupting the child’s feed.

There’s a positive side to everything.

Rubber Baby Syndrome

Mouse Scientists Reinvent The Wheel (Again)

January 22, 2010

Having established a reputation as the world’s foremost journal of mouse science for reporting the ingenious ways scientists find of wasting taxpayers money by doing mouse related experiments in the hope of gaining insight into human behaviour we are now expanding into the area of snack science.

In the highly specialised field of mouse science many of the experiments conducted using mice involve training the mice to earn snacks by learning to press buttons with their nose but we have now become aware this mouse snack science is a different technique with a different goal to that of, to use recent examples, feeding mice lots of fry ups in an attempt to find a way of guaranteeing Daily Mail readers offspring are all child prodigies or of giving mice mobile phones in an experiment aimed at developing a technique for slowing the progress of Alzheimer’s disease. The conclusions of these experiments are that pregnant Daily Mail readers should exist on a diet of full English breakfasts from the local Greasy Spoon and that people genetically predisposed to develop dementia should spend more time on their cellphones taking to mice.

We have also covered a story about scientists who claim to have grown human sperm in mouse testicles. While the experiment might go some way towards countering the efforts of agri-business to stop human sperm growing in human bollocks we are not sure the breakthrough would have any practical value. Given the obsession of human males with size it is hard (oops, pardon) to imagine there would be many men up for having a pair of mouse bollocks in their undercrackers instead of the more usual walnut sized tackle that populates their scrotum.

The latest breakthrough for mouse science has been achieved by fusing mouse science techniques with snack science, the best know example of which is Pavlov’s Dogs. Like the mouse fry – ups experiment it promises to be of great benefit to the kind of gullible, upwardly mobile cretins who imagine they are posh because they eat mung beans.

Take up running and you will become more intelligent and do better in your chosen career, increasing your social status and earnings potential. Using a combination of mouse science and snack science researchers have shown that running round a little wheel in pursuit of a snack they can never reach makes mice more intelligent. Their little brains actually grow more tissue.

Having run the mice round little wheels for a considerable time the researchers then subjected the rodents to a classic test on mouse intelligence, that of giving them the chance to earn a snack by pushing a button with their nose. Running mice were quickly identified as better at earning snacks than couch potato mice. When our special mouse science correspondent Thom Catt put spoke to project leader Dr. Di Luzien that maybe the couch potato mice simply could not be arsed with snacks having not burned off loads of calories running round a wheel Dr. Di Luzien replied, “You’re clearly not a scientists and you don’t understand science.”

Thom was a bit miffed at this as his family understand mice better than anybody have been studying them for several hundred millennia.

The most striking part of the experiment is that while claimed to be as the cutting edge of mouse science, snack science and neuroscience it appears to confirm the work carried out by Hatha Yoga exerts five thousand years ago which proved that increasing the oxygen intake (by controlled breathing in the case of Yoga, but fair play to them, the wheel had not been invented) improves brain function and increases intelligence.

When it was put to Dr. Di Luzien that her team had at great expense simply reinvented the wheel by discovering something that was known already she replied that if it helped people become more intelligent it was worth every penny and that when people saw her intelligent mice they would understand the importance of science done scientifically by scientists and not listen to people like Boggart Blog who just try to get cheap laughs by ridiculing important research work.

To which our reporter Thom Catt, having eaten all the evidence of intelligent mice replied smugly:

“If you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you but when the seagulls follow the trawler is it because they think little fishes will be thrown in the sea. Have you produced any mouse philosophers yet?”

Start Running And Watch Your Brain Grow

Money Fruit – It Grows On Trees

January 21, 2010

Hands up anyone who as a child or teenager was not told by their Dear Old Mum or Dad, “Money doesn’t grow on trees you know.”

One, two… two more over on the right and one at the back ready to make a quick exit if the debt collectors show up. I had no idea so many leading Labour politicians read our blog.

While Lib Dems Invisible Man Clegg and old shiny face Cameron have spent the past couple of weeks explaining why they will have to cut public spending if they get elected and furiously back-pedalling on earlier promises that their parties can reduce the deficit without cutting services Gordon Brown, who was not advised that money does not grow on trees was happily swanning about in his money tree orchard and telling the media how he would be handing out free laptop computers to “the needy” just as soon as he is granted another term in power.

With the nation already effectively bankrupt due to Gordon’s ability to delude himself that the money fruit he harvests from is orchard grows naturally on the branches of his trees rather than being pinned there by us compassionate taxpayers who do not want to traumatise the Prime Minister by stripping him of his delusions.

What Gordon hopes to achieve by using part of his money – fruit harvest to give laptops to the needy is unclear. The needy have more need of some cash to help with their meganormous fuel bills that a free laptop computer they will not be able to use because the electricity has been cut off. Perhaps when he says needy he means destitute.

In our experience there are two types of destitute people, the truly unlucky and the wasters and no – marks. The former could get a lot more benefit from a hot meal and a thick blanket. You can’t eat a laptop computer even if you boil it for a very long time, nor can you wrap it around yourself when huddled up in a doorway on a cold night. Wasters and no-marks on the other hand would be very happy to get a free laptop computer as they could take it down Cash Converters and hock it to get money for booze and drugs.

Gordon Brown is not the first Labour leader to believe money grows on trees however. The entire sub – species seem afflicted with the same problem. Perhaps they are predisposed to financial profligacy by something in their DNA. I know for a fact there is a gene that causes people to spend money they don’t have, my wife and daughter both have it. But even those wonderful people do understand that when you have emptied the bank account and maxed out the credit cards you have to stop. With Labour leaders the silly – spending gene leads to a belief that the only way to cure the problems caused by overspending is more overspending.

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Human Women To Bear Intelligent Mouse Babies?

January 8, 2010

Regular readers know how much we love scientists here at Boggart Blog. There is seldom a week goes by in which their weird and whacky research projects and the surreal conclusions they draw from the results do not give us at least one story.

The latest such science story has the added distinction of being the first of a new decade. It concerns science and that eternal obsession of Daily Mail readers, how to guarantee their offspring are child prodigies.

A new scientific study published this week reports in its findings that if women eat plenty of fry – ups during pregnancy they will give birth to brighter children. Now you must remember this stuff is coming from the profession that likes to tell us homeopathy is a load of bollocks. So there you have it, fried foods, for so long demonised by nutritionists are the key to making sure your child is a genius. There’s no guarantee you will live to see them grow up and go on to see great things of course but I’m sure a remedy for clogged arteries is “just around the corner” as they like to say in the world of speculative research.

There are bound to be drawbacks of course, as there are with all medical advances. We foresee the boys down at the local greasy spoon being a tad but out when they cannot get their favourite all day breakfast because the caff is full of pregnant Daily Mail readers stuffing their faces with bacon, two sausages, egg, beans and fried slice in the sure and certain hope they will give birth to a genius while their disappointed looking spouses survey a bowl of museli with trepidation.

Enough of real world stuff though, we must focus on the science. It turns out the fry – up diet for creating little polymaths has only been tested on mice. So will it only work on mice? And how can anyone know if a baby mouse will grow up to be a Mouszart or an Einstein. While the thought of Daily Mail readers giving birth to intelligent, talking mice might explain the paper’s decision to give away free DVDs of Stuart Little last year is amusing, the study once again calls into question of the sanity of science. Like the work on autistic fruit flies and the research project involving mice with Parkinson’s disease one must, must one not, ask how can mouse intelligence be assessed?

They can be trained to poke buttons with their noses to earn a snack, that’s about it. Hardly a qualification for MENSA membership is it. Can you imagine the letter of acceptance:

To Mr Mausus Mus,
Dear Mr. Mus,
We are delighted to tell you that although you failed on mathematics, logic, language and comprehension, spatial relationships tests and critical analysis your score on pushing buttons with your nose to earn a snack was so high you have qualified for MENSA.

We can no more assess mouse intelligence in human terms that we can know it the wee cowering sleekit, tim’rous beasties are suffering from Parkinson’s disease or if a fruit fly is autistic. Just ask yourself how these things can be measured. Go on, ask yourself.

Because if you ask a scientist its odd on they will reply with the usual cop out, “You just don’t understand science.

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