Posts Tagged ‘humour’

Who Says Terrorist Don’t Have A Sense Of Humour

May 30, 2015

We usually think of terrorists as a pretty dour, intense lot of buggers, and that especially applies to those whose cause is defined by religious fanaticism. Thus nobody expects much irony, satire or parody from the ISIS fighters in the middle east. They do provide a kind of slapstick at times, but it is not intentional, so it is a surprise to find the movement does have a rather wonderful sense of Irony, as this story demonstrates.

ISIS Puts Captured Roman Amphitheatre Back Into Use as Venue for Execution as Entertainment

Source: The Independent

Good to see the Judean Peoples’ Front still talking the talk down there (Image source)

A Roman ampitheatre has been returned to its original use as a venue for public execution of prisoners before an audience. For the first time in many centuries, killing people has become a form of popular entertainment after ISIS forces captured the classical ruins at Palmyra.

The Syrian Observatory for Human Rights reports up to twenty prisoners, mostly captured Syrian soldiers who tried to defend the historic site from the Islamic State fighters were put to death before an audience of militants and locals. The human rights group states the people executed in the amphitheatre were among approximately 70 people executed in the area so far.

The 2,000 year-old amphitheatre is in the ruins of a city which is considered one of the most important architectural sites in the world.

The deliberate destruction caused to other ancient monuments captured by the Islamic State has caused widespread concern worldwide over the future of the UNESCO listed world heritage site at Palmyra.

Many relics of ancient middle eastern civilizations have been smashed with pneumatic drills and sledgehammers, blown up or bulldozed.

The execution of captive soldiers and criminals as a spectator sport was widespread in ampitheatres across the Roman world from the reign of emperor Augustus (31 BC – AD 14). Criminals were sometimes required to act in plays where characters were required to actually die on stage, while others were required to fight wild animals or trained gladiators.

Ultimate Fails Compilation

March 19, 2014

What a depressing day. George Osborne’s budget (what an inspiring speaker that man isn’t, and then Manchester United exit from the Champions League later, not that I care much but it means there will be eff all else on television. Football for the peak two hours followed by edited highlights of football later.

Still we British always have our stiff upper lip that enables us to soldier on the the face of adversity, our famous sense of humour and thanks to our Germanic ancestry, our love of Shadenfreude. Yes we shamelessly enjoy the misfortune of others. And why not?

Let’s declare today National Schadenfreude Day and celebrate it with this compilation of epic fails:

It’s worth watching all the way through.

Max Was The Absolute Mini

March 19, 2014

max clifford
Max Clifford trial- getting to the nub of the matter

We are always mindful of the original purpose og Boggart Blog which was to ridicule the high and mighty. These days of course they ridicule themselves and we are more involved in reporting the news youl will not read in the papers or hear on television or radio.

Every so often however a story comes along which evokes laughter even in the most serious minded bloggers. Such a story is the trial of PR guru (Not so) Max Clifford. here’s an extract from the court report:

“…the woman (an aspiring fashion model,) one of seven alleged victims of sexual assaults by the publicist, was advised to go and see him (Clifford) in 1983, when she was about 17.

She described how Mr Clifford allegedly locked the door, groped her and tried to make her perform oral sex on him.

The court has previously heard claims that his penis is “tiny” and no more than two-and-a-half inches when erect.

The woman that at the time she thought Mr Clifford was well-endowed and his penis was very large.

“I had only seen one before, I had never seen one in that proximity and that situation,” she said.

Richard Horwell QC, defending, asked her about the issue, the woman remarked: “I have a small mouth. I do, my dentist has always said…”

This prompted laughter from the jury, which was sent out for a few minutes.

When Jurors returned they were told by judge Anthony Leonard QC: “It is inevitable in a case dealing with this sort of graphic detail that members of the jury want to burst out laughing.

“I can remember a very boring court case and we – I wasn’t a judge then – became helpless with laughter and the judge had tears in his eyes and it took over 25 minutes to recover.

“But we have got to remember that this is a court of law and we are dealing with serious allegations, and, in fairness to the witness, and the rest of the court, you have got to learn not to react to what’s happening. Can I ask you to settle down and remember where you are?”

Remember where you are? how could they forget when looking across a courtroom at “Nubber” Clifford. He can keep his millions, I’ve got something that throughout my life has brought me much more joy.

Parrot sleuth – joke

March 3, 2014

March 2, 2014

IndiaTimes has a story about a parrot that solved his owner’s murder.

“On February 20, an unknown killer murdered Neelam, the wife of Vijay Sharma, a Hindi newspaper editor.

The killer stabbed both Neelam and the family dog to death in her Balkeshwar colony home. During the homicide investigation, Sharma began to notice his parrot’s strange behavior.

Whenever Sharma’s nephew, Ashutosh Sharma Goswami, visited the house and walked past the parrot, it brooded. The rattled bird’s strange behavior aroused suspicion among family members. Sharma’s family began mentioning names in the parrot’s presence. When family members mentioned Goswami, the parrot chanted “Usne maara, Usne maara.” Which means “he has killed.”

After the family told the police of their suspicions, authorities questioned Goswami about the homicide. He admitted to robbing and killing his aunt with the help of an accomplice. Goswami killed her because she could identify him. Authorities have charged both men with murder.”

Read full story at <a href="March%202,%202014%20%20The%20India%20Times%20reported%20a%20strange%20story%20about%20a%20parrot%20that%20solved%20his%20owner's%20murder.%20On%20February%2020,%20an%20unknown%20killer%20murdered%20Neelam,%20the%20wife%20of%20Vijay%20Sharma,%20a%20Hindi%20newspaper%20editor.%20%20The%20killer%20stabbed%20both%20Neelam%20and%20the%20family%20dog%20to%20death%20in%20her%20Balkeshwar%20colony%20home.%20During%20the%20homicide%20investigation,%20Sharma%20began%20to%20notice%20his%20parrot's%20strange%20behavior.%20%20Whenever%20Sharma's%20nephew,%20Ashutosh%20Sharma%20Goswami,%20visited%20the%20house%20and%20walked%20past%20the%20parrot,%20it%20brooded.%20The%20rattled%20bird's%20strange%20behavior%20aroused%20suspicion%20among%20family%20members.%20Sharma's%20family%20began%20mentioning%20names%20in%20the%20parrot's%20presence.%20When%20family%20members%20mentioned%20Goswami,%20the%20parrot%20chanted%20…%20Read full story at India |Times

This reminds me of a story I once heard (if you’re a member of my family you know what’s coming)

A man who kept a parrot (which he had trained through repetition to say “Who is it” when anyone knocked on the door) had a problem with his heating one day, so he called a plumber who promised to come round first thing in the morning. Plumbers have their own ideas of first thing of course so the next morning the house owner held on as long as he could then had to go to work.

“I don’t want to leave a key under the mat,” the thought, “this neighbourhood has been going downhill.”

So he reasoned that if the just left the house the plumber would understand he’d had to go out and call his mobile phone.

Around midday the plumber came and knocked on the door and said “It’s the plumber, I’ve come to fix the pipes”. And a voice said “Who is it?”

And the plumber knocked again and said a bit louder, “It’s the plumber, I’ve come to fix the pipes.” and the parrot said “Who is it?” and the plumber knocked again and said “IT’S THE PLUMBER I’VE COME TO FIX THE PIPES.” and the parrot said “Who is it?” and the plumber hammered on the door and yelled

“IT’S THE PLUMBER I’VE COME TO FIX THE PIPES”

and the parrot said “Who is it?” and the plumber punched and kicked and headbuuuted the door and roared, “

IT’S THE PLUMBER I’VE COME TO FIX THE PIPES”

and the parrot said “Who is it.” And the plumber had a massive heart attack and dropped dead on the doorstep. When the owner of the house arrived home he saw the dead body on his doorstep and said, “bugger me a dead bloke, who is it?” And the parrot said, “It’s the plumber, he’s come to fix the pipes.”

Greenteeth – humour and satire

Maybe I Should Have Watched Atlantis

November 27, 2013

I have to admit I scoffed at Atlantis, Herecules is from myth, Pythagoras is from schoolboy hell and Jason is from Milton Keynes or somewhere, yet there they are prancing about in a place that never existed along with Medusa whose legends said one look at her and men turned to some.
Now the actress playing tat role is probably a very nice girl but as for turning to stone, she doesn’t even give me a semi.

All in all, after being hyped as a successor to Merlin it was a huge disappointment. hercules played by a little, fat Yorkshireman? FFS.

But maybe I should have taken more notice because it seems the Greek myths are reaching out to us. There is new evidence that Atlantis did exist, and now the seven headed Hydra from the Hercules myth has put in an appearance. OK, it’s in India rather than Atlantis but who knows where Atlantis was anyway?

Anything to do with Photoshop? I couldn’t possibly comment.

Hercules and the Hydra

And what with sea monsters being washed up ready fried on the coast of California, and the earth opening up to swallow whole communities, something funny is going on.

IN HINDU MYTH the many headed snake is the Naga. In the epic Mahabharata, the character of of Nagas is mixed. One poem calls them “persecutors of all creatures”, and tells us “the snakes were of virulent poison, great prowess and excess of strength, and ever bent on biting other creatures” (Book I: Adi Parva, Section 20). At some points within the story, nagas are important players in many of the events narrated in the epic, frequently no more evil nor deceitful than the other protagonists, and sometimes on the side of good.

Do These People Really Have Superpowers?

November 19, 2013

Just to lighten things up after a few heavy days in which we have been kept busy fighting off the attempts of lefties to abolish fun and criminalise free speech, here’s something to make you smile.

Do the seventeen people in these video clips really have super powers or are they just nutters who can do one trick and are determined to milk it for their fifteen minutes of fame?

Yes, I can hear the bansturbators now, throwing hissy fits about there being no such thing as Super Heroes.

Follow the link and in particular watch, well all of them. One or two are a tad boring but they only highlight the brilliance of the others.

From College Humor via Stumble Upon

17 People We are 99 per cent Sure Have Superpowers

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Take one footballer, add one sat nav and stir in one Porsche.

November 11, 2013

The result is all to predictable.
In the past we have gleefully reported the disasters that occur when a person brainwashed with the idea that science is divine and technology infallible cedes responsibility to a sat nav system. The classic case was Sat Nav Suzy From The Isle Of Skye who set out from Scotland for the ferry port at Hull on the east coast and ended up in a sheep pasture in west Wales.

“Didn’t you see the funny place names on signposts and think something was wrong?” we asked her.

“Yes but the sat nav said keep going that way,” she replied. Sat Nav Suzie’s story makes today’s news report all the more believable.

Footballers are not noted for being at the front of the queue when brains were handed out though it is unfair to dismiss them all as stupid, they are not all Super Mario Balotelli. On the other hand Balotelli is not the only total dickhead to have disgraced the Premiership in recent years.

It would be off topic to mention Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney’s wold adventures in oral sex with a granny prostitue (fourth paragraph from end of this report)because it is quite normal for young men to get their face into a Nan* after a few beers on a Friday night – but I mention it anyway because it’s a good line and now Balotelli has returned to Italy we need to identify a few contenders for the “craziest footballer title.

One must surely be Liverpool’s Andre Wisdom whose slavish deference to technology and his sat navs judgement shows he has a long way to go to live up to his name. And as long as he relies on his sat nav rather than his eyes, ears and common sense he is not going to progress far.

The Premier League defender had to abandon his £100,000 Porsche no a muddy dirt track after his sat nav system took him off road.

Wisdom, the England U21 captain, followed the robotic voice as it directed him into a forest park last Friday night. him walking three miles to a main road after his car ended up getting stuck in the mud.

He is currently on loan at Derby County and was on his way to their home game with Sheffield Wednesday at the weekend when the incident occurred.

A Derby County spokesman said: “Andre visited a local shop on the way to Saturday’s game against Sheffield Wednesday and, being new and unfamiliar to the area, he programmed the stadium’s postcode into his Sat Nav.

He added: “The route provided took him down a less than traditional road, where conditions were also poor, and ultimately his car got stuck.”

When we remember he had three miles to walk back to the main road you might well ask why the fuck did his own common sense not alert him to the fact that something wasn’t right. I mean, how thick do you have to be to get in this deep …

porsche-sat-navved
Lost in the woods

… before you notice the surroundings don’t look like inner city Sheffield.

The abandoned Porsche Panamera Turbo, worth £100,000, was found by local mountain biker Pete Irons who informed the police. Irons told reporters he was shocked to think a sports car had got so far in conditions that would have challenged a Land Rover.

He said: “To get to that point he would have to have come through an equally muddy section. It was miles from the road, I have no idea what he was thinking to keep going so far.

Well thinking is probably not the right word, after all he is a footballer.

We predict the chant that will be echoing around stadiums where Wisdom is playing for the est of this season might go something like this:

Andre Wisdom, Andre Wisdom,
Andre Wisdom where’s your Porsche.

*for non British readers, a naan is a flatbread originally from the Indian subcontinent, often eaten with curry fter a lads night out. Nan is slang for Grandmother.

RELATED POSTS:
Sat Nav can’t see the wood for the trees
Another Stupid Sat Nav Story
When driving on sat nav remember the country code

Eggbound In Finchley

January 31, 2010

Some have marvelled at the eggstreme diet that fuelled Margaret Thatcher’s jet propelled march to power in 1979. For myself, thinking about eating all those eggs makes me feel eggceptionaly nauseous. This sensation can best be described as a more intense version of the way I feel whenever I think about Margaret Thatcher. Still I am proved correct about one thing having always imagined the Iron Lady would be surrounded by a sulphurous miasma. It’s clear now this was not the satanic smell of brimstone but the farty smell of someone who lives on eggs.

Strange how those driven to eggcel in their chosen field, while they like to present a public persona of cold logic and superior intellect are all to often proved ready to eggshibit eggcentricities and embrace superstitions and crackpot beliefs it they think it will help them succeed.

We can at least understand one thing about Maggie though. Her bizarre diet eggsplains why she always sounded constipated when speaking.

A million brownie points each for egg jokes and puns in the comment thread

Homeopathy: A Massive Overdose Protest

January 30, 2010

It is strange the Boggart Blog team finds that mere mention of the word “homeopathy” will send the science-is-god fellowship into a spluttering, incoherent, apoplectic rage. At risk of bringing the wrath of the evangelical scientists upon us then:

HOMEOPATHY, HOMEOPATHY, HOMEOPATHY.

The reasons for that apparently redundant repetition will become apparent.

My own view is that I have never tried homeopathic remedies and do not intend to. What pisses me off about the homeophobics is that one cannot simply say “I know bugger all about it, if people think it works for them well, it’s their life.” A homeophobic cannot leave it at that, they will not let you be neutrally uninterested, oh no. They have to try to bully you into agreeing with them.
“But the stuff is diluted so much blah blah,” they scream. Yeah, am I bovvered, I don’t use it.

“But its unscientific, there’s no scientific evidence…” Yeah, so what. The flight of bees is unscientific but I’m not going to stop eating honey.

Many people believe homeopathic remedies have cured long standing complaints in the way I believe a couple of glasses of red wine several times a week protects me against swine flu, cancer, Alzheimer’s disease and The Dreaded Lurgi in a way that no vaccine or drug ever could. The science-is-god faction cannot just accept these are opinions, they are determined to not allow anybody to think anything that is not scientific. They have to start ranting about how there is no scientific evidence to support claims that homeopathy works (which apparently proves it does not work) and that an excess of alcohol can result in many serious health problems later in life.

Their favourite tactic when faced with demonstrations that somebody has suddenly showed a gobsmacking lack of symptoms shortly after taking a homeopathic remedy is to put it down to pure coincidence.

Like all fringe religious cults the science is religion cult attracts a lot of nutters who would probably make great homeopaths if they could overcome their prejudices.

There are probably many such nutters in the Merseyside Sceptics Society (which should be named the Merseyside Selective Sceptics Society, you can bet they are not in the least sceptical about climate change science or the large hadron collider) who today will be indulging their OCD – like need to go on about how unscientific homeopathy is by getting together outside Boots Chemist in Liverpool and staging a mass overdose protest against the chain store selling homeopathic remedies. Protesters claim they will eat who bottles of homeopathic pills to show the medications are not effective. Similar protests are taking place around the world.

A spokesman for the Selective Sceptics said Boots should stop selling these “medicines” because it is promoting “unscientific thinking.” A Boots spokeman said the company does not force anyone to buy homeopathic medicince, they are simply responding to customer demand.

Do you spot the failure of logic on the part of the selective sceptics here. There are many conventional treatments a small does of which will cure but which can be eaten in much larger quantities without harm resulting. So isn’t the protest as unscientific as the protesters say homeopathy is? Oh well religious cults, even the science-is-god cult have never been big on that common sense kind of logic.

What would really be a wonderful coincidence however is if one or two of the protesters collapse and die of strokes or heart attacks after eating their massive protest overdose of pills.

Now you know why “homeopathy” is so massively overused in this blog post.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

Apple iPad Will Not Rewrite The Book

January 29, 2010

Amid much hype Steve Jobs the world’s top celebrity CEO launched the latest gadget from Apple. Apple addicts were thrilled to the core but will the new gadget for reading e-books ever replace Johannes Gutenberg’s big idea?

It almost moved me to poetry: Here, in the style of E.J. Thribb is my initial reaction.

And so, Jobs
in an era of no jobs
you have given us the iPod,
a computer without keyboard
or knobs.

Hmm, quite promising that. I might try to finish it sometime.

The iPad is a rather late entry into the e-reader market which is already looking overcrowded. With offerings from Amazon, Sony, BeBook, iRiver, Bookeen, Elonex and a few others (e book readers, reviews) already competing for market share it’s possible there are more e – book readers than there are e books to read on them.

The iPad will sell of course, Apple are the Michael Jackson of technology manufacturers, they make mediocre products that engender a kind of fiercely defensive attitude usually only found among followers of crackpot religious cults. Telling an Apple geek they could have bought a piece of kit that would do much more so much better for half the price is like telling a Scientologist L Ron. Hubbard was a con man.

No matter how many versions of the iPad Apple decide to release, the faithful will buy them all just as Michael Jackson fans used to buy the same album over and over again because it kept being re-released in a different cover.

Beyond the precincts of the Apple cult’s compound however, among those not in thrall to the Pontifex Maximus Jobs, high priest of the God “i” how well received will the iPad be? Will it be the gadget that finally kills Gutenberg’s technology? To be honest we doubt it, the iPad will find a niche within the niche of the gadget addict market occupied by e book readers but would a serious reader want to read a volume of fiction or non fiction or a collection of favourite poems on a device the name of which makes them think of female personal hygiene requisites.

More humour and satire every day from Boggart Blog