Posts Tagged ‘religion’

Masturbators Will Find Their Hands Pregnant In The Afterlife Says Imam

May 26, 2015

You’ve got to love religion haven’t you? What would we do for laughs without it. When confronted with stories like one I read today often wonder what would the great Dave Allen have made of modern religious fanaticism?

Islamic Preacher: ‘Masturbating Men Will Find Their Hands Pregnant In The Afterlife’

Imam Muchahid Cihad Han. Keeping his hands where we can see them while the camera is around, but why is his coat unbuttoned up to chest level (image source)

A Muslim cleric has warned the sons of The Prophet that men who occasionally spank the monkey (and let’s be honest lads, we all do) could find their hands are pregnant when they reach the afterlife.

Turkey’s Hürriyet Daily News reports that Mucahid Cihad Han issued his warning during a live TV broadcast after a married man the show to say he could not stop masturbating, even on a pilgrimage to Mecca.

Han responded that masturbation was a sin in Islam. He added:

“Moreover, one hadith states that those who have sexual intercourse with their hands will find their hands pregnant in the afterlife, complaining against them to God over its rights.

“If our viewer was single, I could recommend he marry, but what can I say now?”

The self-styled televangelist advised the viewer to “resist Satan’s temptations”. Satan, I thought it was Mrs. Palm and he five daughters doing the tempting.

Wanking is a controversial issue in Islam as The Prophet (PBOH) did not pronounce directly on it. There are varying opinions on how permissible masturbation can be.

The Koran has no clear reference to the act and many hadiths (teachings of Mohammed outside of the Koran) are of questionable authenticity. Some scholars of Islam take the view that if knocking one off the wrist was an abomination, the Koran would have mentioned it, others say it should be obvious that enjoying oneself privately in a way that does not kill infidels must be a sin.

Few Islamic scholars consider it “haram” (forbidden) but believe if God had no objection to men handling their meat he would not have made it look quite so much like a pork sausage. Most Islamic clerics therefore consider masturbation “makruh” (disliked or offensive). Some even say it is permissible in certain circumstances, such as avoiding temptation to commit adultery.

Church Of The Bell End

November 5, 2013

You have to sympathise, even as you permit yourself a prurient snigger.

The elders of the Christian Science Church in Dixon, Illinois were so keen to show their respect for God’s creation they had their new Church building designed around an old oak tree that grew on the site.

The best laid plans of mice, men and Christian Scientists gan aft agley however, especially if the architect you hire is a bit of a dick, and now the church building is complete, the design has provided a lot of laughs amongst online communities. In pictures from Google Earth, you see, it looks like a limp knob.

Representatives say they intend to give the penis shaped building a “fig leaf” as soon as possible. So we will only get a laugh in the winter? No wonder this picture has gone viral on the internet.

church of bell end

Interestingly, the Christian Science creed teaches “love, growth and spiritual healing” based on teachings from the bible and the writings of founder Mary Baker Eddy. The church also has the slogan “rising up” as its motto.

Perhaps they should do a deal with the Catholics and get a “Church Of Our Lady” built next door. That might help thinks rise up a bit.

Why Secularists Will Not Admit Nobody Is Forced To Pray

February 14, 2012

When I posted a deliberately over the top rant about last wek’s court case in which a leftie judge who knows less about law than he does about agenda driven politics ruled it was illegal to say prayers before concil meetings I was prompted largely by the nauseatingly smug gloating from supporters of the National Secular Society who hailed this non event as a great victory in the war against “religion, superstition and magical thinking.”

If there is one thing more repellent than a bunch of smug religionists it is a bunch of smug, secularist twats who cannot see they are turning secularism into a religion.

Well I will get around to writing an existentialist rebuttal of the “Secuarism as religion” cult’s crackpot world view sometime (and if you think existentialism is a secular philosophy try reading Soren Kirkegadd or Ludwig Wittgenstein), but for now here’s a link to an excellent article on the topic by Jennifer Lipman who as the better informed among you might have guessed is Jewish, though by her own definition something of a part time Jew.

She bases her arguement on the fact that nobody is forced to pray and not all religion is fundamentalist.

It is easy to exercise one’s right not to pray. If I can’t make an excuse to be not present, family weddings, funerals and such like, I simply don’t join in.

When I was a young knobhead (all young men are knobheads) I used to make a great show of not joining in but maturity taught me there is nothing to be gained by embarrassing everybody else. Sometimes we have to put the feelings of others ahead of our own.

It is not just religion I try to be a non participant in. When I worked for the National Nuclear Corporation in the early 1980s and had been part of the team that designed and implemented high tech systems for a new office complex we were told we would be meeting Princess Anne at the official opening.

A few days ahead of the ceremony I managed to find a very urgent reason to be at a nuclear power station a couple of hundred miles away on the day.

It’s just pointless to make waves when there is nothing to be gained.

The Daily Stirrer – February 2012
Eurocrats are the new Bond Villains

The Pastor Was Taken Aback

January 12, 2010

As I sat sipping my coffee on Sunday morning, half paying attention to the television talk show The Big Question it became apparent the discussion was getting quite heated and therefore interesting. The show brings people of different religious or secular persuasions together to talk about the issues of the day. Homosexuality and religion, the topic under discussion always gets everyone well wound up.

Eventually as two audience members and a couple of talking heads looked as if they were near coming to blows the presenter, Nicky Campbell, stepped in and to calm things down brought into the discussion a woman pastor from a liberal Christian denomination. She was a sweet, rather shy sort of girl, not at all like The Vicar Of Dibley. Though quite attractive her big eyes and high, arched eyebrows gave her a permanently startled look.

“Where do you stand on the increasingly bitter division among Christians over homosexuality?” Campbell asked her.

“I am often taken aback…” she began.

I hoped for someone to say, “Your private life is your own business love,” but nobody obliged. At least I understood why she looked so startled though.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

Naked Hindus Protest Against Global Waqrming

January 6, 2010

You know people are getting srriously insane about global warming when somethink like this happens. Thousands of Hindus gathered for the Kumbha Mela one of the biggest festivals of their religion got their kit off to send out a message that will make world leaders sit up and take notice.

Yeah right.

As these naked protesters are all about 90 we cannot see the protest having a big effect on public opinion. Had the naked Hindus been aged between 18 and 30 their protest might have made a difference.

People whould have cranked up the emissions producing tackle in the of seeing more naked protests.

Read the full story on naked Hindus

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

Ten 4 Ten

A career for tossers?

August 21, 2007

A few weeks ago I was involved in a bit of a kerfuffle with the boy scientists from The Bad Science forum. One of the more intelligent and articulate commenters eventually asked why science gets such a bad press?

Well it could be something to do with the way, when their certainties are challenged they tend to respond, You’re not a scientist, you don’t understand scientific methods.” Such a response puts “scientists” in the same category as those religionists whose response to any challenge is, “Anything is possible for God.”

Or it could be because we see so many stories like the two below.

Researchers at Herriot Watt University and Strathclyde University claim to have proved older people have difficulty using new technology because physiological deterioration in connections between cells in the frontal lobes of the brain causes them to be easily confused by unfamiliar things.

Typically the “scientists” involved in this study forgot to look at the most obvious thing. So we oldies can watch movies or play games on our mobile phones. Are we bovvered? Many of us who have been rounded out by leading full and interesting lives can think of a hundred better things to do than watch a movie on a three inch by two inch screen.

I cannot take pictures or record video clips with my mobile phone. Is my brain going or is the case simply that my excellent digital camera and state of the art camcorder perform those tasks far better than the phone ever could. So I cannot do those things simply because I am never likely to want to.

Similarly neither I nor my wife ever learned to set the VCR to record a week in advance. Are we sliding into dementia or are we simply not the type of people to get withdrawal symptoms if we miss an episode of a favourite program. They will be repeated in a few months anyway.

It is not a question of neurological degeneration because everybody is different in that respect, it is a question of how interested we are. QED. And that is how to do the science, just think things through and a lot of time, effort and expence can be saved.

The second story has slightly more sinister connotations. Scientists (again – its never philosophers or artists or historians causing trouble) at the University of Kentucky, Louisville – now keep in mind this is in Kentucky, think fried chicken, bluegrass and red necks – claim to have found a link between eye colour and intelligence.

Blue eyed people, amazingly, are found to be more intelligent, ambitious and focused. Brown eyed people can run faster.

Nobody thought to mention in the context of this study that brown eyed people tend to have darker skin and curlier hair than blue eyed people.

My entirely unscientific observations on this issue, made throughout a long career in management consultancy is that if you tell people they are intelligent, thoughtful and capable of more than they have ever given themselves credit for, they tend to aim higher and as a result grow in confidence and status. This approach works regardless of eye colour.

So let’s throw this one back at the boy scientists who have been trying to give me a hard time (and actually themselves being on the receiving end of a harder time.) What is it exactly that us alleged non scientists don’t understand? That ageism and racism are OK so long as they are backed up by properly conducted scientific studies?

I’ll bear that in mind when advising young friends on whether they should follow me into a science related career. (Clue: proper scientists tend not to refer to themselves as “scientists” but by the specific discipline. I am (was) a systems analyst, later an Information Technology Consultant. 

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