Posts Tagged ‘satire’

EU Allocates Budget Of €billions To Sell Migrants back To Africa

August 31, 2015

The European Commission wants to offer an additional 1 billion euro (£726 million) to African countries if they agree to take back migrants arriving with no legitimate claims to asylum.

The measure is designed as an incentive to encourage African countries to repatriate their citizens whose asylum applications are rejected by EU states, according to German news magazine Der Spiegel.

The proposal comes as Martin Schulz, president of the European Parliament, accused many EU countries of playing an undignified game over the ongoing dispute on distributing refugees among European countries.

Mr Schulz called on European governments who have resisted EU proposals to agree to a common plan to do more to deal with the surging numbers of migrants fleeing poverty and war. (more …)

How long did it take you to spot the flaw in this latest farce from the Eurofuckwits of Brussels. Yes, that’s right, once you have sent the rent see kers back and handed over the money to their local village tyrant, what’s to stop him putting them on the next cattle truck back to Europe and getting paid again.

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The Case For Border Controls

August 31, 2015
If people are stupid enough to crowd in such ridiculous numbers onto an obviously unseaworth vessel, what possible use can they be to a civilized society? (Image source)

Uncontrolled immigration is becoming the dominant issue in British politics despite the neo-fascist left’s efforts to suppress criticism of the idea that we should be happy to fill our cities and towns with illegal immigrants.

Well Labour lost the election and are now tearing themselves apart in an ideological battle leaving the sane, pragmatic and sensible with an open goal.

So here for the benefits of those emotionally crippled people who jump on every leftie internet meme in a quest for friends,’likes’, thumbs ups or arse kissing comments and are now screeching about how we desperately need more immigrants, is the case for strictly enforced border controls in a nutshell.

Two red squirrels sitting in a tree. One red squirrel says to the other red squirrel “Those poor foreign squirrels are welcome in our woods, they might be grey, but they’re still squirrels….”

A few years later …

Two grey squirels sitting in a tree. One gray squirrel says to the other gray squirrel, “As soon as there are enough of us we will kill all those red infidels.”

A hundred years later:

Mummy Squirrel and Baby squirrel are sitting in a tree, baby squirrels says to Mummy, “Muuuuuummmmm, is it true that squirrels used to be red?” Mummy squirrel fetches baby a smack round the lug and says, “Be careful what you say. Talking about indidel heresies is UnsquIslamic, if the SquImam hears, you could get us nutted to death.

SNP MPs email found among Ashley Madison hacked data.

August 19, 2015

via Guido

An email address created by SNP MP Michelle Thomson was used to sign up to Ashley Madison, a website that facilitates adulterous affairs. I’d be hypocritical to condemn adultery, or even indulging in adulterous behaviour while being paid for working on behalf of clients (What? Of course my investigating whether Rachel H was a natural readhead (she was) had relevance to the project …)

But we expect a little better from our MPs. At least they could be a bit discreet about it.

Michelle, whose husband works long hours she whines, has denied using the email to create an Ashley Madison account and claims she is the victim of some prankster who signed her up for the cheating website without her knowledge.

The email address, which it would be ungentlemany to reveal even though I don’t fancy her myself, has come to light following a hack of Ashley Madison’s database of users. Ms. Thompson said:

“Along with potentially millions of others, an out-of-use email address seems to have been harvested by hackers. I am not aware of or in contact with either Avid Life or Ashley Madison and look forward to finding out more about what has actually happened.

However, having a personal email address linked to an account doesn’t mean that person is really a user of Ashley Madison. Users are able to sign up to the site without responding to an email verification, meaning anyone’s email address could have been used to create an account.”

How many other innocent politicians are victims of this cruel prank? Check if your MP was using Ashley Madison to arrange an illicit shag while they were picking up wages for looking after your interests and more to the point, if they were claiming flowers, restaurant bills, hotel rooms that can be booked by the hour, condoms and lubricant on expenses here…

Lessons In Liberty For Liberal and Socialist Nazis

August 17, 2015

I get sickened, as I’m sure many of you do, by the self righteous, bigoted posturings of those who identify themselves as ‘liberal’, ‘left wing’, progressive or socialism and yet see nothing contradictory in their calling for the abolition of free speech, the return of censorship and the proscription of certain words or opinions.

Perhaps these liberal fascists find John Stuart Mill’s ideas are more dangerous and subversive that even his contemporaries thought.

Was Mill really so far ahead of his time we have not yet caught up, or do our ‘progressive liberal’ friends want to progress all they way back to the medieval liberalism of The Inquisition, when the elite were at liberty to do WTF they liked because the masses were considered subhuman?

If it is the latter, Mill’s treatise On Liberty (1859) contains some truly revolutionary statements such as: ‘If all mankind minus one, were of one opinion, and only one person were of the contrary opinion, mankind would be no more justified in silencing that one person, than he, if he had the power, would be justified in silencing mankind.’

Everyone allowed their own opinion? He was probably drunk when he wrote that bit.

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A Lorra Lorra Sour Grapes – Or Simple Truth

August 14, 2015

I was never a fan of Cilla Black, not even before she absolutely murdered Dinonne Warwick’s song ‘Anyone Who Had A Heart’ and certainly not when she was making a lorra lorrya money by overplayng the Scouse accent and common little slapper from Scottie Road persona while fronting some of the crappiest shows on television.

My wife hated her with a passion however. One night in the 1960s Teri had a ticket to a Dustry Springfield show but on taking her place in the audience learned that Dusty had a sore throat and would be replaced by Cilla.

But though Teri has never forgiven the scouse songcrusher I had nothing against the woman. I did not quite buy into all the eulogies following her death. And it seems I was not alone in the heresy of denying the divinity of St. Cilla

These lovely anecdotes are from Popbitch:

Cilla, The Tough Boss

You may have wondered – what with all the glowing tributes to her immediately after her death – how it could be that someone apparently so cherished and loved could get so little telly work in her later years.

Ageism? Possibly. Changing tastes in light entertainment? Quite probably. But the main reason was that one of the top bods at ITV very determinedly blackballed each and every attempt that Cilla made to get on screen.

Why the personal vendetta? Because the exec in question started out as a runner. On Blind Date.

One early task was to fetch Cilla some salmon sandwiches for her and some guests. The runner got the nicest smoked salmon sarnies they could find. But all they got for their efforts was a bollocking from Cilla in front of her guests as she only liked tinned salmon, not smoked.

Cilla, The Kleptomaniac

As far as celebrity riders go, Cilla Black had one of the most consistent. Wherever she went, she demanded champagne and two glasses. She never left the glasses behind though, she always took them home. A thrifty move, as when she hosted a big party at home she didn’t need to hire glasses because she had a collection of around 300 Granada flutes.

Cilla, The Shopper

Cilla would do most of her weekly shopping at a small grocery store called Fishers in Gerrards Cross. Despite there only being three check-out counters in the tiny store, when Cilla had finished her weekly shop she would, without fail, refuse to line up at an open counter even if there was only one person in front of her.

Instead, she would go and stand in front of one of the unmanned counters until someone opened it up especially for her. True to form, she would never speak to the staff to request it, just stand there staring daggers until someone did so.

Cilla, The Intercity Commuter

When ITV’s flagship daytime programme This Morning was based out of Liverpool, Cilla would make appearances on the show to plug Blind Date or Surprise Surprise.

And why not? It would be easy to get a local girl on, wouldn’t it? Erm, not quite… She would always demand a chauffeur-driven car to bring her up from London on the morning of the show as she didn’t want to be in Liverpool the night before.

Which is fine for a one-off – but a very similar thing happened when she did a panto season in Liverpool.

Cilla, Showbiz Royalty

First off, in the interests of balance, we should say that Cilla did have a couple of friends from the world of old-school showbusiness. (She referred to Christopher Biggins and Paul O’Grady as her ‘good fairy’ and ‘bad fairy’, respectively. Lionel Blair also had a metric ton of eulogy to deliver on the Sunday that news broke.)

However:

You may not know the Patton Brothers, but they are the real-life brothers of the Chuckle Brothers. They have a reputation in the business for being consummate professionals. Unanimously described as being hard-working, mild-mannered and excellently disciplined, they are never anything less than gentlemen and they famously refuse to tell tales on anyone or say anything snide about any of the people they’ve ever worked with.

Except for Cilla Black, that is – for whom they make a special exception. They described her, simply, as being “a cunt”.

New World Record For Left Wing Hypocrisy

August 5, 2015

Not so long ago we reported how mild mannered reporter Clark Kent dentist Walter Palmer was being demonised for killing Cecil the Lion while on a big game hunt in Zimbabwe.

Why Aren’t Feminists Queuing To fellate Walter Palmer

We do not condone humans killing lions, however we hear via our proprietor Jenny Greenteeth’s stringers in African water holes that antelope, wildebeeste and wart hogs are all for it. We were rather bemused however that mainstream media and the sheeple of social media went crazy about the nice, cuddly, meerkat eating lion (Do lions eat meerkats you might well ask – well yes they do, and all manner of cute, small furry animals. Changed your tune about the lion killing dentist yet).

Bemused I say because when the story below broke, it did not warrant a word in mainstream print or broadcast media, not did it raise a whisper of protest from the leftie sheeple on social media:

 lion-hypocrisy

Sorry about the spurious lines on the screenshot,  been doing a bit of plumbing and my fingers are stiff. That’s from a post on my Facebook  wall, it prompted a rather interesting comment thread, mostly people arguing with one of the most toxic and stupid human beings I’ve ever encountered. Nice to know that age cannot wither not custom stale his infinite gobshite. Take a look at the comment thread, it is really amusing how the self righteous bell end fails to make his point

So anyway the upshot is, it appears that while the lefties are yelling ‘right wing criminal nut job’ at Palmer and WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYcist at me (because apparently my highlighting the story indicates I approve of all white tyrants and mass murderers including Hitler, Stalin, Catherine The Great, Caligula and Atilla The Hun – never expect logic from a progressive, liberal, or leftie) it turns out that actually Walter Palmer was given permission to kill Cecil or any lion he fancied killing by the Zimbabwean government.

They charged him a big fat fee for the privilege of course, but hey, what gave anyone the idea that because Obama visited Africa the brutal tyrant Mugabe and his henchmen had become caring, sharing, kumbaya singing, cross dressing friends of the environment.

from RINF
US govt never minded Americans killing rare lions before Cecil – WikiLeaks document

“WikiLeaks has unveiled a secret document on US hunters in Zimbabwe allegedly sent from a US official to the CIA, casting light upon the recent killing of Cecil the lion, a popular attraction to Zimbabwean Hwange National Park’s visitors.

A 2008’s classified memo signed by James D McGee, the-then US ambassador to Zimbabwe, has revealed that the US government knew about and approved of its citizens going trophy hunting to South Africa, says WikiLeaks.”

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Porn lessons will teach pupils how to earn a living.

August 3, 2015

pupils at a Lancashire secondary school are to be given lessons in hardcore pornography and oral sex, as part of a Channel 4 program promoting a roll out of GSCEs in sex education. The program, to be aired next Thursday, features former Miss Belgium and current UN goodwill ambassador for sexual health Goedelle Liekens as she introduces teenagers to their intimate areas in graphic detail.

porn-lessons

Porn lessons will foster positive attitudes to sexual relationships

A group of thirteen boys and girls, aged 15 and 16 volunteered to take part in the hour long feature, all taking part in two weeks’ worth of lessons with Ms Liekens. Within the first few minutes of the show the boys are shown pictures of female genitalia and asked which they prefer, The Daily Express has reported.(Forget about screeching But you can’t believe anything you read in the Express, lefties – a friend of my son teaches at the school and has confirmed this.

According to a press release from Channel 4, pupils are also set homework: the girls are tasked with examining themselves “with a handheld mirror”, while the boys with shaving off their pubic hair (we hope that’s their own public hair not the girls’). The lessons have been justified because pornography is easily accessible, and that pupils need guidance on what they are seeing. It seems unlikely that shaving off one’s pubic hair improves understandg of the consequences of anal fisting, but hey; teacher will get a cheap thrill when making the homework)

Steve Campbell, the head teacher of Hollins Technology College in Accrington, which the pupils all attend, said that he didn’t regret his decision to invite Ms Liekens to give the classes. “I suppose it was quite a big step to invite her but in the last year we have dealt with teen pregnancies and inappropriate texts, and without the shadow of a doubt, the biggest single influence on children is pornography,” he said.

Typical leftie teacher logic there, we don’t want the kids to be influenced by pornography, lets teach them about close up minge shots and shaved genitals, they stuff they’ll see in pornography. And we’ll import a Belgian porn queen to give the lessons.

Immigration by numbers – Why Dave Is Fucked and UKIP are right

August 2, 2015

It seems or politicians, both conservative and Labour, Dave, Hattie Harperson, all the Labour contenders except that brain dead Trotskyite moron Corbyn, who lives in fairy land it seems,  are making noises about controlling immigration. This is probably why the brain dead revenants who support Labour are supporting Corbyn who seems to think all we have to do is “TAX THE RICH TAX THE RICH TAX THE RICH” and we will have so much money in the coffers all of the three bilion people in the world who subsist on less than $2 a day will be able to come to Britain, claim their free houses and free healthcare and claim a Kings Ransom in benefits each week.

Lefties like to run round screaming SCIENCE SCIENCE SCIENCE as if that proves they have a monopoly on intelligence and reason, but while they pontifiucate about the infallibility of climate models they do not understand basic arithmetic.

Which is unfortunate because all you need to help you understand why left wing social engineering policies are doomed to end in catastrophe is an understanding of basic arithmetic. Once you can get your head around the idea that two plus two can never equal five, you can understand what this person is getting at whith his immigration and gumballs lecture.

 

When The Caring, Sharing Culture Goes Too Far

May 31, 2015

STIs soar in USA with gonorrhea up 30%, HIV infections up by 33%, and syphilis soaring a shocking 79% in the last year alone.

Image source: cartoonstock

Not so long ago american liberals were proclaiming that the Obama administration had ushered in a new era of enlightened living by embracing the ideas of free love and a caring, sharing society that originated in California’s hippy culture in the 1960.

While the idea that everyone giving everything away for free was hardly likely to produce a strong economy, pragmatism aside there are just some things caring people should not share.

A report by the Rhode Island Department of Health reveals one of the big problems with the caring, sharing, giving it away for free culture. Sexually transmitted diseases are on the rise in the USA, with health officials highlighting casual sex arranged through social media as one of the main factors in this. One official described it as the “perfect veneral storm storm,” with gonorrhea up 30%, HIV infections up by 33%, and syphilis soaring a shocking 79% in the last year alone.

The report notes that “new cases of HIV and syphilis continued to increase among gay, bisexual, and other men who have sex with men at a faster rate than in other populations,” adding that “infection rates of all STDs continued to have a greater impact on the African-American, Hispanic, and young adult populations.”

Rhode Island is just one small state on the East Coast, but the trend is nationwide. An STD clinic in Salt Lake County, Utah, has started asking patients about specific contact methods. When the number of people arranging sexual liaisons devoid of emotional connection through social media became apparent, Lynn Beltran, an epidemiologist at the clinic, told ABC she was not surprised to see a rise in STDs.

“It’s been the perfect storm,” said Beltran. “Our attitude kind of shifted, where it became more acceptable to engage in casual sex.”

Beltran said she had seen an uptick in syphilis and gonorrhea rates, and that many of the newly diagnosed patients said they were sexually active through dating apps.

Just as an aside …

Q: What’s dangerous and eats nuts?
A: Syphilis.

The Rhode Island report raised another interesting point. Between 2003 and 2009, when prostitution wasn’t illegal in Rhode Island due to a clerical error, the state registered a 39-percent decrease in gonorrhea infections among women. Well when a business is charging for its products or services, there are certain trading standards that must be adhered too, for example customers have a right to know exactly what they will get for their money.

What is wrong with people in the USA. I’m not narrow minded and I would be a hypocrite if I condemned casual sex, but FFS why can’t people use condoms when they are meeting up with a total stranger from out of town. It ought to be a no brainer. Why would someone who has a dose spread it in their own community where people might recognise them when they can with almost complete anonymity ‘share it’ on Facebook.

Source: RT

Who Says Terrorist Don’t Have A Sense Of Humour

May 30, 2015

We usually think of terrorists as a pretty dour, intense lot of buggers, and that especially applies to those whose cause is defined by religious fanaticism. Thus nobody expects much irony, satire or parody from the ISIS fighters in the middle east. They do provide a kind of slapstick at times, but it is not intentional, so it is a surprise to find the movement does have a rather wonderful sense of Irony, as this story demonstrates.

ISIS Puts Captured Roman Amphitheatre Back Into Use as Venue for Execution as Entertainment

Source: The Independent

Good to see the Judean Peoples’ Front still talking the talk down there (Image source)

A Roman ampitheatre has been returned to its original use as a venue for public execution of prisoners before an audience. For the first time in many centuries, killing people has become a form of popular entertainment after ISIS forces captured the classical ruins at Palmyra.

The Syrian Observatory for Human Rights reports up to twenty prisoners, mostly captured Syrian soldiers who tried to defend the historic site from the Islamic State fighters were put to death before an audience of militants and locals. The human rights group states the people executed in the amphitheatre were among approximately 70 people executed in the area so far.

The 2,000 year-old amphitheatre is in the ruins of a city which is considered one of the most important architectural sites in the world.

The deliberate destruction caused to other ancient monuments captured by the Islamic State has caused widespread concern worldwide over the future of the UNESCO listed world heritage site at Palmyra.

Many relics of ancient middle eastern civilizations have been smashed with pneumatic drills and sledgehammers, blown up or bulldozed.

The execution of captive soldiers and criminals as a spectator sport was widespread in ampitheatres across the Roman world from the reign of emperor Augustus (31 BC – AD 14). Criminals were sometimes required to act in plays where characters were required to actually die on stage, while others were required to fight wild animals or trained gladiators.